Why Flattery Feels Good but Does Us Harm

Table of Contents

Why Flattery Feels Good but Does Us Harm: The Sweet Poison of Praise

When Compliments Turn Carnivorous

Ever met someone who made you feel like the most brilliant person alive, only to later realise they were just after your signature, your support, or your soul?

Why Flattery Feels Good but Does Us Harm: The Sweet Poison of Praise

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That, dear reader, is flattery, the sugar-coated art of making others feel good for personal gain. It’s as old as humanity, as charming as honey, and as dangerous as quicksand. Every one of us has been both a victim and, let’s be honest, a small-time practitioner. But what makes flattery so seductive, and why does it still thrive even among the educated?

Let’s lift the velvet curtain and see what’s really going on behind those smooth words.

How flattery can manipulate our emotions

Flattery can create a false sense of trust and admiration, which can make us more susceptible to other forms of manipulation. It can make us feel special and important, which can lower our defences and make us more receptive to the manipulator’s requests.

Flattery can manipulate our emotions, making us feel good about ourselves and clouding our judgment. This can make it difficult for us to see the manipulator’s true motives and recognise when we are being manipulated. Creating a sense of obligation or a sense of loyalty, which can make us feel like we need to comply with the manipulator’s requests in order not to let them down or to maintain their positive opinion of us.

Flattery can also be used to distract us from the manipulator’s true intentions, making us focus on the positive feedback rather than the negative consequences of their actions.

Thereby makes us dependent on the manipulator’s approval and validation, making us more reliant on them and more likely to comply with their requests.

What Exactly Is Flattery?

The Cambridge Dictionary defines flattery as “praise that is not sincere and is given to gain something.”
It’s not the same as a compliment. Compliments celebrate; flattery manipulates.

Think of flattery as emotional advertising; it tells you what you want to hear, not what’s true.
Psychologist Robert Cialdini (2006) found that even when people know they’re being flattered, they still like the flatterer more, because praise activates dopamine reward circuits.

Flattery feels good because it’s validation wrapped in silk. The trouble is, silk can strangle softly.

Flattery Through the Ages: From Thrones to Twitter

Flattery is no modern invention. It’s simply changed costumes.

In Ancient Courts

Sejanus, the Roman prefect under Tiberius, used relentless praise to worm his way into near-imperial power, until his emperor realised the manipulation and executed him.
Plutarch, in How to Tell a Flatterer from a Friend, warned that a flatterer “always agrees, even in things where agreement is shameful.”
The Persian courtier Bagoas rose through charm and praise until envy consumed the empire.

In Royal Europe

Machiavelli cautioned princes to avoid flatterers, calling them “plagues of the court.”
Rasputin in Tsarist Russia knew that flattering the Empress’s maternal instincts granted him near-mystical power.
The Earl of Leicester thrived at Elizabeth I’s court by wielding charm as skillfully as others wielded swords.

In the Modern Age

Flattery hasn’t vanished; it’s gone digital. Influencers flatter audiences (“You’re the smartest followers ever!”). Politicians flatter voters (“You deserve better, and only I can give it to you.”).
Even algorithms flatter us with personalised “For You” feeds, a machine-driven echo chamber of ego.

The Double-Edged Sword: The Pros and Cons of Flattery

When It Works

Builds short-term trust and rapport (Cialdini, 2006).
Greases social and business interactions.
Can encourage confidence and motivation — if sincere.

When It Backfires

Breeds arrogance and poor judgment.
Fosters echo chambers in workplaces and politics.
Undermines authentic relationships.

In the Journal of Applied Psychology (Ferris et al., 2010), researchers found that “ingratiation and flattery” often lead to promotions, but those who used it excessively were later viewed as manipulative and untrustworthy.

History’s cautionary tales prove it too: kings, CEOs, and celebrities surrounded by “yes-men” rarely last long.

Why Educated Circles Frown on Flattery

In an intellectual or refined society, flattery is social smog; it clouds reason.
Academics, philosophers, and professionals prize critical thinking, authenticity, and truth, virtues that flattery erodes.

As the saying goes, “In polite company, butter belongs on bread, not egos.”
True intelligence recognises that praise without substance is merely manipulation in formalwear.

The Psychology Behind the Blind Spot

Why do even smart people fall for flattery? Science offers some revealing answers.

Dopamine Effect: Compliments light up the brain’s reward centres, giving a mini emotional high (Vrana & Tesser, 2013).
Confirmation Bias: We accept information that confirms what we already believe (“I am pretty clever, aren’t I?”).
Social Validation Loop: We crave belonging; flattery feels like inclusion.

Flattery exploits our wiring. It feels genuine because it mirrors our secret hopes.

On social media, likes and comments act as “micro-flattery”, constant strokes that train us to seek approval rather than truth. We’ve built digital echo chambers where flattery is the fuel and ego is the engine.

How to Spot a Flatterer (Without Losing Friends)

Here’s your radar for praise with an agenda:

Over-the-top enthusiasm: “You’re the only person who really gets this.”
Timing tricks: Praise comes right before a request or favour.
Repetition: The same compliment, recycled to keep you hooked.
Selective admiration: They praise only what benefits them.
Unearned approval: Compliments detached from reality.

Contrast that with genuine admiration, specific, grounded, and expecting nothing in return.

Pro tip: Test sincerity by disagreeing. A real friend respects your view; a flatterer switches sides faster than a weather vane.

Why Flattery Should Be Discouraged

Flattery isn’t just annoying, it’s corrosive.
It weakens trust, replaces merit with manipulation, and builds societies where truth bows to charm.

In leadership studies (Tourish, 2013; Psychology Today, 2019), flattery is shown to distort feedback loops, making leaders overconfident and blind to real problems. Entire organisations collapse under the weight of unchecked ego-inflation.

Flattery isn’t kindness. It’s counterfeit currency; it buys influence but bankrupts integrity.

Encouraging honest praise and constructive feedback instead fosters resilience, respect, and emotional intelligence.

Or, as one wit put it:

“Flattery corrupts both giver and receiver; truth may sting, but it heals.”

Famous Flatterers: The Masters of Honeyed Deceit

Name	Era	Flattering Target	Outcome
Sejanus	Ancient Rome	Emperor Tiberius	Executed after manipulating power
Bagoas	Persian Court	King Artaxerxes III	Gained influence, ended in intrigue
Rasputin	Tsarist Russia	Tsarina Alexandra	Led to distrust, dynasty’s collapse
Robert Dudley	Elizabethan England	Queen Elizabeth I	Maintained high favour through charm
Joseph Goebbels	Nazi Germany	Adolf Hitler & the masses	Weaponised flattery into propaganda
Modern “Yes-men”	Politics & Corporations	Leaders & CEOs	Still thriving, still dangerous

From palaces to press conferences, the script stays the same: praise, persuade, profit — then perish.

How to Use Praise Wisely (Without Becoming a Flatterer)

Be specific: “I admire how you handled that negotiation”, not “You’re a genius!”
Be truthful: Praise only what’s real and verifiable.
Be balanced: Mix compliments with constructive insight.
Be self-aware: Ask yourself, Why am I saying this?

True compliments empower; flattery entraps.

Conclusion: The Courage to Resist Sweet Lies

Flattery will never go extinct; it’s too delicious to disappear. But we can learn to savour sincerity instead of swallowing sugar-coated deceit.

Next time someone tells you you’re “one in a million,” smile, but think, are they counting you or your usefulness?

Real admiration uplifts. Flattery inflates until it bursts.

Let’s make truth fashionable again. Compliment with sincerity. Receive with discernment.
And remember: honesty is the highest form of respect.

Scholarly References

Cialdini, R. (2006). Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. HarperCollins.
Ferris, D. L. et al. (2010). “Ingratiation and Supervisor–Subordinate Relationships.” Journal of Applied Psychology, 95(5), 1085–1101.
Tourish, D. (2013). The Dark Side of Transformational Leadership: A Critical Perspective. Routledge.
Vrana, S. R., & Tesser, A. (2013). “Self-Evaluation and Flattery.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 45(5), 875–884.
Plutarch. (AD 100). How to Tell a Flatterer from a Friend.
Machiavelli, N. (1532). The Prince.
Carnegie, D. (1936). How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Ackerman, R., & Bargh, J. A. (2010). “Priming and the Psychology of Flattery.” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 36(7), 924–937.
Kervyn, N., Fiske, S. T., & Malone, C. (2012). “Brands as Intentional Agents Framework.” Journal of Consumer Psychology, 22(2), 166–176.
Psychology Today (2019). “The Science of Flattery: How Compliments Manipulate Behaviour.”